SAH-M or D? - SBB Digital Scrapbooking Forums | Scrapbook-Bytes

UnDecided · #1 (**permalink**) 10-03-2005

Alright, so I am trying to make a decision right now that will undoubtedly impact the rest of my life -- to either get out of the military to stay home with my children, or stay in and have my hubby get out to do the same.

We have a child with some special needs, so one of us needs to get out -- right now I'm just torn over what would be best.

So, my question is, anyone have any tips for making big decisions like this? Also, for all you SAHMs, how do you cope with the stresses that come with the territory? And if anyone has a hubby who plays mom while you work, I would love to hear about your situation too!

Right now I am working on building a list of pros and cons for both situations, but am still just so CONFUSED!! This is such a hard time for our family as it is, but to throw a GIGANTIC decision like this on top of it just might make me lose my mind.

I would love to hear anything you guys have to say -- Thanks!!

epervine · #2 (**permalink**) 10-03-2005

We are coming to that same crossroads! My husband just put in his retirement papers. I work full time and he has 19+ years. One of our kids has some developemental delays and has been in speech therapy for awhile and he has some behavioral issues as well. It would be great if one of us could stay home with them. My husband is Mr. Mom and plays that role whne he's home (he's deployed now). He is seriously considering being a SAHD when he gets out, but not sure if we can swing it financially. We have two kids and he has a daughter from his previous marriage that we pay child support for. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

laurieg · #3 (**permalink**) 10-03-2005

Hi Christie-
Ya know, everyone has a different situation if life. Some men stay home with the kids because the wife carries the insurance... or they work opposite shifts... or the husband was laid off... or the woman's job pays better... or she likes her job better than he likes his, etc. etc.

When it comes down to it though, my advice is to pray, pray, pray- especially together- husband and wife. God will give you the answer. Try not to make a decision based on emotions- I know- easier said than done.

What are your husbands thoughts? Does he agree with you staying home? If he would rather that you stay at home and you have both prayed about it- then I think that you should stay at home. But again- everyone's situation is different- so pray

As far as coping with being a SAHM- same answer LOL- pray, pray, pray.

It isn't easy, but it is so rewarding!!!!!

I will pray for you too!

kindarana · #4 (**permalink**) 10-03-2005

We're still five years away from having our baby, unless we get impatient and reckless and decide to have two... but our current plan, assuming I do go into teaching, is that he'll reduce or at least adjust his hours (he's a programmer, so they're flexible) and I will go to half-time too, at least until school comes along.

You mentioned that you're both military - is there a difference in your ranks or expected pay that would help with the decision? Is one of you more likely to be sent overseas than the other? Stay at home parents, especially ones with special needs children, will need to have the other one's support as much as possible. Also, is one of you less likely to be transferred often? Having consistent community support for your child will help a lot. Would National Guard service be an option for the one of you who stays home, perhaps after they're not being deployed overseas anymore?

I know you were hoping for answers rather than questions, but you've gotta find the answers for yourself deep inside. You'll find your way.

sprauncey1 · #5 (**permalink**) 10-04-2005

Wow, what tough decisions. I agree, PRAY about it as much as you can. I know its tough to decide who will get out of the military since its been such a part of your lives (and will be) and goes with your identities. But as a SAHM married to an Air Force guy, there is support for us through the base and through the community, you just have to look. I was a chemist before my DS came along, and I knew that I couldn't possibly do both and have either one suceed. I will say, that it is harder for the guys who SAH to get involved with groups since it is typically women, but it is not impossible. A lot of your choice depends on your jobs and likelyhood of promotion I guess. You deal with the stress by leaning on friends, your spouse and keeping busy. This site is great for support on the spot since its always happening, so if all else fails you have a virtual support system here! OK enough rambling...I will pray for your family that God makes it a clear choice for you and you can have peace with whatever you decide. Take care!

Krash · #6 (**permalink**) 10-04-2005

WOW! That is such a hard decision to make. I know several times I've wished for a crystal ball that I could look into and know the anwsers to do what'll be best~I'm sure you wish for one too! I echo the advice to pray...ask to be led to a anwser. Eventually it will come. I stay home with the kids and work 1/2 the year. I work for the IRS and do it seasonally from Jan-July or Aug. I work 3rd shift and usually get them to let me work from 7pm-3am though I have done the traditional 9p-6a. DH works 1st shift so when I get home from work I only get a little sleep before I start that long day with the kids

It's NOT easy but it's working for us so far.
DH was a SAHD while he was laid off. It was harder for him than me~think lack of patience! lol It's just not easy no matter who chooses to be the SAHP. Sometimes I tease dh and tell him how LUCKY he is to get to leave and go to work!!

Anyway hope you and your dh can work out the best thing for your family. I'll be thinking of you!
((HUGS))

Scrap'n Girl · #7 (**permalink**) 10-04-2005

i made a similar decision earlier this year, and man it was a tough one!! We decided for me to stay home and dh to continue working. We both worked at the same place and decided he would likely go farther/faster than I would. Also, he had more interest in his career.

I'm so glad I'm a sahm, but I wont gloss it over and make it sound all sugary and wonderful, because the truth is i've had alot of adjustment struggles with the change. Some days I'm so thankful I could shout with joy, and other days I just want to crawl in hole and avoid it all. Even with that, I haven't even thought twice about my decision!

Being a SAHM is a tough job... so if you do it, treat it that way. Make sure you get time off, get coffee breaks, vacations

You become even more critical than when you worked outside the home so besure to take care of yourself

Good luck in your decision.

and let us know what happens.

UnDecided · #8 (**permalink**) 10-05-2005

Alright, so I made my decision, and it may not be the most LOGICAL choice, but it's what I WANT -- I'm going to get out and stay home with them.

Basically, I've done my time in the military and have put all I have into it -- I have won several awards in my career field and have promoted before date almost every single time. While me getting out does NOT make the most sense financially, my heart is really at home with the kids.

I never before pictured myself being a stay-at-home mom, maybe it's jsut because my mom was a single mom and worked her butt off so that's all I've really known, but now I have the opportunity to and feel like I would be making a big mistake if I didn't take advantage of it.

So anyhow, just wanted to share my decision with everyone -- thanks for all your suggestions. It's great to know I have such a strong support system on here. And in a couple weeks when I am pulling my hair out and trying to adjust to my new lifestyle I just might be asking for some more advice... thanks guys, take care.

C