funny story - SBB Digital Scrapbooking Forums | Scrapbook-Bytes

mom2miracleZ · #1 (**permalink**) 09-06-2005

Thought everyone would enjoy reading this and having a good laugh.. if this is not appropriate to post in the forums, by all means.. administrator.. delete it.. or let me know..

WARNING.. DO NOT DRINK WHILE READING THE FOLLOWING TALE. DOING SO MAY CAUSE SUDDEN BURST OF LIQUID ONTO COMPUTER SCREEN OR KEYBOARD. THE POSTER OF THIS TALE WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR READERS FALLING OUT OF THEIR CHAIR FROM LAUGHING SO HARD

One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy,
painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours "Maybe
I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed
to
the site of my demise the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them
to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough tofigure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair
dryer and heat
it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body
hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak
back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure,
I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering
the
right half of
my ****** and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it
was
a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me
so much pain, with my
hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph
over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch.
I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is
now covered in
cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on
the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
OMG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
******? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or
sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together,
is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter

"So,........ my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try
to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking
cheeks
or hole or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax,
glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to
need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion
they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at
this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colo

Tracey R (Haley64) · #2 (**permalink**) 09-06-2005

OMG...You were not joking about crying and spitting stuff on your computer screen or keyboard while reading this!!! hehehehehe LOL
Oh my are you going to make a LO of the penguin walk?

Oh thank you for the wonder humor....great story and I am sure most of us have been somewhere close to where you went!!! ROFLMBO!!!

This is something I have to share this with my girlfriend, this is something she would pull!!!

mom2miracleZ · #3 (**permalink**) 09-06-2005

hahaha.. pretty good huh..but it actually didn't happen to me..LOL this was sent to me by a net buddy of mine.. LOL but i wouldn't put it past me to do just that!

guikrazy · #4 (**permalink**) 09-06-2005

OMG!!! My cats are sitting there looking at me like I am crazing b/c I just screamed so LOUD with LAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for passing this on!